Jealous

I read an article in Relevant today that kind of put me in a weird temper. It was by a guy named A. J. Jacobs and it was about how he spent a year trying to live by the exact laws and teachings of the Bible. The article was actually several excerpts from the book he wrote about the experience and some commentary that was added for the magazine. I enjoyed the article and was intrigued by how Jacob's (a self-proclaimed non-devout Jew) life was changed by the experience. But as I read about how he spent time with various Christian and Jewish groups and traveled to Israel it occurred to me that this was yet another type of experience that very few readers could ever hope to duplicate because of the expense and the time commitment. How many of us can take a few weeks here and there to be off work and travel around the country or the world?

This brought me to another conclusion; I'm often jealous of the authors of the articles and books that I read. They have these great experiences and meet all these cool people and spend their lives doing ministry and writing books and speaking at conferences--all stuff that I wish I could do. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to envy them. I don't want to be angry that they have what I want. It just all kind of pops out there sometimes.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't obsess about these people or waste my life wishing and wanting. I still do ministry in the ways that I can and study and write and speak whenever the opportunity is there. But I do it around all of the fiscal and temporal constraints that most of us have--jobs, kids, school activities, spouses, etc. I suppose my greatest frustration is that I know many people in the same situation and we think very deeply about our faith, see Christ work miracles in the lives of our friends and neighbors--but it's not really what people think of as a great adventure, is it? It ends up being quite anonymous and, often, thankless. It must be my human-ness that makes me want someone to make a big deal over it; that makes me want to be in front of a crowd of rapt listeners, hanging on my every word; that says, "Hey, I could write an article that good. My insights are as good as his.".

How do we reconcile these feelings with Jesus' call for humility? How can we read about Jesus healing a blind man and making him promise not to tell anyone who did it and then be angry that we can't be famous for serving God? I wish I knew. I think that if we remember to love people--really love them, like Jesus said to--then the other desires become secondary. For some they probably go away altogether; not for me. I have had times over the years when I was so totally immersed in serving and ministering that all the other desires were nonexistent, but those times have been rare and fleeting.

Is this my cross to bear; is this a sign that my faith is too meager; does God look at me with disappointment because of it? More questions that I can't answer. It makes me sad and a bit melancholy. Some would say, Read you Bible more; others, Pray more; and still others, Suck it up you big baby, quit whining. Maybe they would all be right in their own way.

Jesus said to love God with all our heart, mind, soul and strength and love other people as much as you love your self. It's a progression; one leads to the other. That's what I try to do and I succeed more than I fail at it. And I think it's the key. No matter what I feel about myself or other people I always come back to this. Whatever else we study in the Bible, it always comes back to this. Jesus knew that if we took these two things to heart and strove to do them, none of the other information was even necessary. If we love God completely, it's going to be pretty hard to screw the rest of it up. So long as I end up back in this place, my adventure continues. God wrote it for me and I'll be famous for it in heaven; and that's where it counts.

Pray for me.
Love me back.
Mike