What color is envy?

I guess one of the harder lessons in life is how to deal with friends' success. And maybe it's especially harder if it's a faith lesson to boot. Maybe that comment needs a little background.

I have several friends who were just out there doing life, with regular jobs and all the regular stuff that goes along with that. About the same time (relatively speaking--like, within a couple of years of each other) we all were called into ministry--in a vocational sense. Of the 5 of us, 4 made the transition relatively quickly; in a way that made it almost seem easy, although nothing like that ever really is easy. But offers from churches came pretty soon after they started to seek an opportunity. In fact, in 3 out of the 4 the offer came from our church (we all attended the same place); and the one who didn't get his start at our church is now back there. (Worth noting is that 2 of the others who started at our church are now on to other churches--their choice; not kicked out or anything.) It should be obvious by now that I'm the one that didn't get the ministry job.

They are all still friends of mine and I'm glad they are. They are great guys; committed to God and to his ministry and very good at what they do. I guess what's hard for me is when some of us are together and they talk about all the stuff that's going on for them and comparing notes on ministry strategy and logistics, etc. I really feel like an outsider. Now I know that that is my problem and not theirs. And I know they don't intend to make me feel that way; but it's hard nonetheless. I make a very honest effort not to be jealous but it creeps in. And there are always the feelings of self-doubt. Have I lived in some way that makes me less worthy? Am I not doing enough to impress God (as if any of us can do a crapping thing that will impress God)? Did I completely misread what I thought was a calling?

More self-pity? I guess--don't know for sure. I suppose some of it has to be. The real point, ultimately, is that I'm through waiting and hoping; especially on our current church. If they, or God, don't want me on the staff then that's fine. I have a shot at a new job and if it pans out maybe we'll be moving back down south in a couple of years (Lord knows I'm sick of living in the Midwest). If God throws something my way in the mean time then he does. If not, screw it. I have a good job and a great family. We have good friends and a place to serve. It's not perfect, but none of them are--nor will they ever be. I'll keep plowing through the anger and bitterness and just try to keep it all real. It all boils down to the fact that, no matter what we do or how holy we might think we are, none of us are worthy of what Christ did for us. We just have to love him as much as we can and keep trying to live the best life we can.

Pray for peace and pray for the poor.
Mike